Weekly Reflection: Growing Pains

“I’m no good at Goodbyes”

– Post Malone: philosopher, scholar

Hhhhh…

This week has been one of the toughest I’ve had in a long, long time.

I’ve never really been one for saying goodbye. It’s always hurt me deeply, from breakups to graduations to the ends of friendships, I’ve really never been able to handle these things well. And oh boy, was this week the mother of all goodbyes.

Each day following graduation yielded a few more, and the process was worsened by the week-long process of moving out of our senior year home. Each day brought a new best friend to look in the eyes, for the first time ever unsure of when exactly I’d be seeing them again. The final goodbye to my family was one of the hardest.

It’s difficult to express exactly what it is about these that’s so hard. I know I’ll see them all again. I love each and every person deeply, and that would be why this hurts so much. The adjustment is what’s hardest, though. Even if they’re not gone, things are different now, and they always will be. There’s no going back now; even a trip to grad school just isn’t the same as being in college.

Adulthood is terrifying, and the loss of the stable base of people – the single most important element of my life – makes it all the more petrifying.

And that brings me to the consequences of my actions. I have to begin by saying that this is the first of these posts I’m writing on the road. Currently, I’m a bit east of Cuyahoga Valley National Park, the first NP I’ve ever gotten lost in (not my fault, bad trail markers) – thanks Ohio. Thus far, though, this has actually been a pretty good experience.

Getting lost was stressful, but I’ve had a lot of time to think even already – a blessing and a curse. There’s a lot to think about these days. Exciting things, depressing things, scary things, hopeful things, you name it. My emotions have been everywhere, and each of them brings something new to think about.

That was, I suppose, the point of all of this. The last year of college gave me just about everything I wanted, except a space to think. Like most people my age, I was constantly bombarded with questions I didn’t have an answer to, both from others and myself. The constant pressure was stifling, and at a time when it felt most like I needed to have answers, I just couldn’t come up with any. So, finally, in the most recent episode of my now two year long quarter-life crisis, I’m moving to Montana, a place where there is absolutely nothing to do but think.

I still firmly believe this was the correct decision for me. I feel as though there is quite a lot for me to figure out, and feel even behind my peers in this regard. I’ve come to the realization that almost nobody knows anything at all, but even so most of the time it feels like most people know more than I do. Maybe this isn’t true, but to the degree to which it is, I want to try to figure at least a few things out.

People always tell me I just need to make a first step to get my life started, but I’ve found it unbearably difficult to even pick one of those. Yes, I know I can change careers. Yes, I know I’m not locked into whatever my first job is forever. Still though, momentum is a thing, and I want the first step to be made with as informed of a decision as possible.

All that said, I think it’s probably about time I find myself a therapist. I’ve always made the excuse of not having time, but once I reach Montana I’ll basically have nothing but time. Plus, during a period of intense transition in my life, I think a little extra help seems appropriate. Everybody ought to go to therapy as far as I’m concerned, but I’ve been a hypocrite about that, and it’s about time I walked the walk.

Overall, I must say my primary emotion for the journey ahead is excitement. The coming weeks will assuredly see more tears and pains, I have no doubt about this. Still, I’ve gained a new leash on life, and am embarked on the adventure of my lifetime thus far.

There are few gifts in life greater than adventure, and the experience is one I hope not to take a moment of for granted.

Song of the Week:

P.S.: I’ll probably be posting some more this week about my thoughts on the places I visit, so stay tuned!